The sky's the limit; dream big ★ (deleaah) wrote,
The sky's the limit; dream big ★
deleaah

Lost

Title: Lost [2/2]
Pairings/Characters: Kyuhyun-centric, Kyumin
Rating: PG-13
Genre: Angst, romance
Summary: We knew each other. We had a past but not a present.

01


*~*



Kyuhyun heaved a sigh. Sleepless nights, a stubborn client, and these feelings did no justice to his self-proclaim poised self.

The flashing lights brought out the best of the city even at its darkest hours. It made me realize just how spacious the city is, but at the same time, it felt so small like I could grasp it within my fingertips.

Through Kibum and Leeteuk, I heard that he was visiting. I decided to be oblivious, but I still met him, somehow through a sick game of fate. It made the impossibilities feel possible.

Sungmin made me feel off-kilter. He wasn’t supposed to, I tried to stop it, but I couldn’t, I never could.

It wasn’t the nostalgia that hit me the hardest. It was these feelings that swiveled, and I was certain, one of them was love. I stared at my ring, noticing how the glimmer didn’t seem as right—and it seemed to have gotten lighter, much lighter than before.

“I’m such an idiot,” I breathe out.

The unwanted memories came back, all of which were about Sungmin, smiles with Sungmin, laughter with Sungmin and eventually tears but without Sungmin. Lonely tears, bitter tears, they all fell without restraint.

I felt like a desert suffering a drought. A single drop was never seen after the breakup; I, myself, was surprise at the rarity. It wasn’t because I’m a cold-hearted monster, maybe a hardworking one, but I still had feelings, the pain still tasted fresh, but I couldn’t bring myself to believe that it was over.

I shouldn’t be feeling it though. Feelings—love especially—are subjective; it all depended on how vulnerable the person was. And I didn’t like being vulnerable.

But it made him happy to see Sungmin—surprised at first—but it all ended with a smile. For a second, I felt like—knew that—we could start all over, that we could make it work, we just had to cross the line; crossing it was the hardest. Someone had to take the first step.

“I feel alive,” I whispered, looking at the dim light from the bus ceiling, watching it flicker from the vibration.

For a second, I forgot everything. Sungmin was my world, and he was all I needed. Thus leading me to be so expressive, my fingers curling to say I love you. I felt volatile and the depravity grew. No regrets, remember? My premature voice resonated in my head, encouraging me with empty words.

Then, the light danced off the gold band on my finger, a noticeable glimmer hit me and I found myself abhorring it for the first time. It was a crass thing, but I couldn’t fight it with logic and reasoning but feelings. My feelings were telling me that I was right, but my logic told me otherwise.

Seeing as how I was arguing with myself, I knew something was wrong, definitely wrong.

I rub my temples, in hopes that it could clear the fog in my head. But it only got thicker and thicker, making it hard to see the path ahead.

One thing was certain though. I need practicality, I need Kibum.


*~*



Kibum tried his hardest to stifle the yawn. I was getting restless.

“So Kyuhyun, you called me out here to watch you intoxicate yourself?” Kibum asked, not confused but concerned.

“No.” I slurred through my languor.

I never liked drinking. Sometimes, with the client, when it was inevitable, but if there was a choice, I wouldn’t. It made you valiantly forget pain, but sometimes, those moments don’t last long enough. And right now, I needed something that lasted longer, maybe even forever.

He crossed his arms and waited. He never pressured anyone for anything but simply waited until they felt comfortable. I would ask Leeteuk sometimes, but he was too delving, it made me feel uncomfortable. I don’t want comfort or sugar-coated words. I needed someone like Kibum, always clean and straight to the point.

My fingers curled around the glass cup. The liquor didn’t assuage the pain; it just made me feel sick. “I met Sungmin.”

I saw Kibum flinch, surprised. He continued to wait.

“It made me happy.” I buried my face in my arms, as it served as my shield. “I’m disgusting Kibum.”

He sighed, “Kyuhyun, you know you’re not. You’re confused.”

“I’m not confused. I’m—I’m—“ I looked at him in defeat. He was right, I was confused.

To ask him what to do is a cowardly thing, and Kyuhyun was not a coward.

Kibum soon grew impatient of waiting. “Can I ask why you left Sungmin?” I contemplated whether to tell him, but knew that I told Kibum to come out because I needed him and if I wasn’t willing to spare him the story then I just wasted Kibum’s time which could be used for something important, like sleep.

“I was stupid,” I thought back to the past. “I loved him so much, Kibum, It was unimaginable and at the same time, so unfamiliar to me.” I lifted the glass and felt the liquor undulated down, but the feelings were still there.

“I felt like I could give my everything to him. The word death seems like nothing, but losing Sungmin meant death itself.” I never knew I could be so maudlin before. However, there was always a first for everything. “I couldn’t cope with it. I was scared, so I ended it.”

“Did you think that it could have been love?” Kibum interjected. He wasn’t scolding me, but he wasn’t convivial either. I closed my eyes. I needed the truth, even if it was blatant and hurtful.

“I figured that out after he left but I couldn’t—more like—had no right to call him back.” I’m a deplorable being to ever breathe on this planet. I was polluting the air with my mere presence. I didn’t deserve the luxury.

“I hurt him, Kibum. I made him move to another university residency because the pain was so unbearable while I—“

“Kyuhyun, you weren’t any better. When Sungmin left, we didn’t lose one friend but two.” I remembered that time, and the only thing memorable were the dark walls engulfing me.

Kibum and Leeteuk were the sole connection between Sungmin and I. I couldn’t even begin to feel how disquiet they were about the break up because they thought we had a chance at eternity. I did too.

I was surprised that they weren’t livid at me for ruining our friendship, pushing one of their closest friends out of their lives. We’re your friends. How could we be mad? Their words whispered at the back of my mind, and a smile slip.

“I regret it Kibum, but at the same time, I don’t.” The ring grew heavy, reminding me that I still had her. My fingers go to cover the ring, the coldness clearing the fog a little.

Kibum still very vigilant, noticed. “We were happy when you met her. She brought you out of your shadows.”

“I don’t love her any less than Sungmin, but it’s wrong to love her yet, still miss Sungmin.”

“I don’t know how to say this more…nicely, but I think you need to let go of Sungmin.” Kibum was never the type to fabricate sentences just so they sounded more pleasurable. He never took sides. He just did whatever he felt was right, and most—if not, all—of the time, he was right. “She doesn’t deserve any of this,” he gestured to my surroundings; the mess.

“I know. And Sungmin’s happy now, he found someone.” I could taste the derision as it parted my lips. It wasn’t jealousy. I don’t know what it was.

Kibum frowned. “I don’t know. I feel pathetic. I should be happy. He seemed happy, but I’m not.” I was far from happy. Everything was debauched; it wasn’t supposed to be this way.

“I know that I shouldn’t think of him in that way. I shouldn’t love him. But for the brief twenty minutes that we talked, I could see our future. What could have happened, what we could have become. It hurts to see how reality is so different yet she’s here reminding me that everything was right when I felt that it wasn’t; it wasn’t for those twenty minutes.”

Kibum quickly jumped in, saving me. “You shouldn’t forget your feelings because—well—it seems impossible for you, but you have to accept them and move on. I’m not saying that you should be proud of them either.”

“Acceptance is the key.” I wasn’t saying it to him, but for me, for me to fully understand it.

“I know you Kyuhyun. If you had a choice, you would never want to meet Sungmin again. But it’s not going to be easy because you two run in the same circle. Avoidance isn’t going to get you anywhere.”

Kibum's words pierce me. The fog slowly started to clear off, but not completely. There was no sight of the sun, only the darkened sky.

“I know, but it’s natural to avoid the difficulties.” Only the strongest can endure it and I, for one, wasn’t strong enough.

“You survived that time. You’re strong to face this difficulty.”

“I’ll tell Leeteuk about this tomorrow,” I said, remembering the long lecture from him the last time I forgot to tell him something ‘important.’ Though, I think he was just sad that I didn’t confide with him.

“Your not-so-subtle change in topic disappoints me,” he smiles a little. He orders another beer, and pretends to be busy, leaving me alone to think.

It felt like everything was settled. Everything was slowly falling back into place. This vexing question has been with me ever since the breakup, but I was scared of hearing the response.

“Kibum, did you or Leeteuk ever regret introducing me to Sungmin?” I down the last remnants of the liquor. My stomach objected to that liquor flowing down.

Kibum crossed his arms, a pensive gesture which suggested that he was thinking, long and hard. “Sometimes, yes, but for the most part, no.”

This time, it was my turn to wait. “Yes, because—well—look at what happened. But no, for most—if not all—of the time because you two may have gotten hurt, and it may have been unbearable but you’re happy now. Maybe not with each other, but simply enjoying life. You were capricious in your decision making, but that decision pushed you two further to become mature, to accept things you didn’t want to but have to.”

Sometimes, talking to Kibum felt like I was hearing a philosophical speech. Within his body frame held years worth of knowledge that can’t be obtain if not through experience. A person that values things that are deem trivial to others.

“It makes me sad to see you two suffering during that time, but after that time was gone, you’re back, bolster from the experience, more invulnerable. Leeteuk shares—not the same—but very similar thoughts, so don’t worry about him.” He was a watching parent, always worried. For once, I didn’t feel like a decadent being. He made me feel worthy of breathing.

“Kibum, thank you.” I waved to the waitress and payed for both of us.

As we stepped outside, the sky was cast with nice pastel nuance of pink and orange. Dawn. I looked at it and marvel at its beauty; the beginning.

“Sorry about the all-nighter,” I stared at Kibum and now that we were under bright lights, I saw the dark bags under his eyes.

“I don’t mind how many restless nights I have, as long as you know what you want and strive for it—even if it’s impossible—try your hardest." He smiled, “Plus, if all doesn’t go well, know that we’re supporting you from the back while she’s pulling you forward.” He gestured to the ring and I felt it grow perilously warm.

“I guess it’s time to see you soon,” Kibum awkwardly said, and I laughed. Kibum never changes; the person awkward with goodbyes and hellos.

I pulled him in for a hug and was slightly amuse by his surprise expression which soon turned into an amorous smile. Everything felt—almost—right. I felt like I could breathe again without the thoughts of Sungmin hindering me. I was now embracing it, not holding back, but embracing it wholeheartedly. Something I should have done long ago.

The cool breeze caresses me as a whole, whispering sweet nothings to my ears, kissing my cheeks with the autumn remains. Most importantly, pushing me in the direction that I needed to go, some place where I should have went long ago.

The place stood, but I hesitated. I don’t know why, despite the neighbors greeting me with a growing familiarity, I felt like I needed permission to come in. The ring grew heavy yet again, serving as a reminder that I’m in love with her, and she’s in love with me. That’s why I’m here.

Smiling, I pressed number two on my phone. “Hello?”

“Good morning,” I laugh as I hear her grumble.

“Don’t tell me you called just to say good morning.”

“I’m coming over for breakfast.”

It grew quiet waiting for her response. I usually didn’t just ‘drop by’ for anything, especially not breakfast at 6AM. “Did something happen?”

I laugh at her cute doubts. “Nothing, I just love you.” The words slid off my tongue so easily, I was a bit surprised myself, but they were real. I didn’t falter or step down but instead, I charge forward.

“Are you still there?”

“You seem different today, but I like it.”

“I think you’re forgetting something,” I frown.

She laughs, “I love you too.”

“You should get use to me like this because…” I pause, pondering if I should tell her. “I’m going to stay like this, properly forever.”

“And you say nothing happened,” she sounded like she’s pouting. She probably is.

“I’ll tell you when I come, but be prepared.” I’m going to tell her, even if it hurts her, she deserves to know. She owns a part of my heart, but secretly, Sungmin lingers, unexpectedly it shows.

“If you’re this happy, then it must be a good thing.” I hope she can tolerant it. I’m not expecting happiness from her when she hears it, but I hope that—like me—she could accept it.

“Just know that I love you.” I always will.

I ended the call and stared at the doorway. The steps didn’t seem so high, so edgy, so easy to fall from. The fog cleared up. I could almost see the road ahead, but I couldn’t see the end of it. I knew that it wasn’t a dead end. It was a road that continued on and on, with its bumps and potholes. At least I could see it now. I had a choice to either jump or fall. A choice.

The door flew open, and there revealed the subject of my love. “Why didn’t you knock?” She asks, curious.

“You beat me to it.” I took a step forward, knowing that even if I ever fall, she would pull me back up while my friends help me tend the wound. Sometimes they’ll heal to near perfection. Sometimes, they left a mark. Either way, we grow with it, we learn from it, we accept it.

Finally, I was at the top. It wasn’t so hard and it didn’t look scary being up so high. “I’m here.” I spread my arms out and pulled her in a tight embrace. She didn’t question or gawk; she responded with love that was tantamount to mine.

Sungmin might not be around. Whether it’s momentarily or close to permanently, he’s still on my mind, in my heart, every bits of me. I can’t erase him, I can’t forget about him. I had to acknowledge it, to embrace it while she’s here, in my arms, giving me the comfort I need, the love I need, and the smiles I need. I can’t leave her for Sungmin because I love her, the sole reason why I didn’t hold onto Sungmin a few hours ago. As crazy as it sounds, I never realize that I could give her my everything, my love, my life. I love her, I love him; I love both of them.

I accept it, with my small heart; I can lodge both of them. Maybe her more because Sungmin would become a fragment of what could be my past love, but he still stubbornly held on to bits of it. Happiness isn’t defined by what you know, it was a choice. You chose to be sad, you chose to be happy, to die or live; your choice. Happiness is a choice.


Le Fin.

A/N: Hello ^^ I didn't expect to write a second chapter to this, but I didn't expect anyone to read this and someone requested for a second chapter so here it is :) I was hitting myself, trying to think of the ending. Should they be together? Should they be seperated? Since the first chapter was based off how I met my ex-best friend on the bus, I thought of the chances of us being best friends again, and I honestly thought that it was almost impossible :\ Thus the ending. I'm sorry if it's not what you expected, but this is what I feel is right :)


BTW, OMG, MR.SIMPLE! THEIR LIVE! KYU! HIS VOICE! PURE LOVE! I didn't know he could affect me so much until the song came out. Just watch him climb up my bias list. Sorry Leeteuk. In most of my stories, when you need someone to give you advise or a wise person, 40% of the time, it's always Kibum. My heart has a little soft side for Kibum, and most people hate him because he's inactive but I knew during Full House and I loved him since then ^^ Enough of my little rant here ^^

Comments are love as always <3

I want to share a little quote that perfectly displays Kyumin's relationship:

“Some people are meant to fall in love with each other, but not meant to be together.”

Have a good day everyone and thank you so much for reading. It really means a lot to me :)
Tags: angst, fic: lost, kyuhyun, kyumin, sungmin, super junior
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